Photo dump and blabbering

I love taking pictures! I know, not a big surprise there. I actually got my real camera out recently to document a Pinterest project and it felt so nice! I miss my real camera. I'm going to have to start busting it out to document our homeschool adventures so be prepared!!

The Mister is such a good Daddy! Sure, I know a lot of wives say that, but for our girls he is "the best thing since they put the pocket in pita" (name that movie quote)! He's been working some seriously late hours because his office is functioning at 30% strength and he's having to pick up a lot of the slack. Anyway, this past weekend he managed to fit in family time as well as special time alone with each of the Ducklings! I absolutely love how dedicated he is to "all three of his girls"! <3 <3 <3

I have been singing on repeat the song "Redeemed" and decided to ask the co-music director if the choir could sing it during church one Sunday. Of course, the First Duckling piped up and said that she should say, 'only if you join the choir'... thanks baby girl. It's been *years* (and years and years) since I've sung a solo or duet in church. Back then our church was less than 50 people and that's pushing it. Plus, I admit, I was in high school so I thought I was just *it* so confidence was not a problem... many years and lots of pounds later, that confidence is lacking. Stay tuned because I have a feeling that I'll be worn down. :0)

It's been too long

There have been a bunch of times when I wanted to come here and put "pen to paper", but didn't. I've always loved writing, I have diaries when I was younger and journals when I became too old for a diary. Writing is therapeutic so this is a long time coming.

Where to start... I guess I'll start with the obvious. The initial phase of cleaning the MILs stuff went fairly quickly, but then sort of stopped. It was all too emotionally draining, but I know I need to get back over there and finish. I have her craft room left and it's a daunting task. One I'm really not looking forward too. Sigh... Not too long ago, I was over spending time with the sFIL trying to get the bills organized and into some sort of system for him. That was craziness. There were bills/papers dating back 4-5yrs! In the end, I think I did a good job cause I got a text one evening from the sFIL saying he went through his filing cabinet and it hit him how much work I'd done and that it meant a lot to him.

My handsome furry boy went to Rainbow Bridge a few weeks back. Dexter was a long haired dachshund and true to their nature, he hurt his back. He had no feeling in his back legs, was essentially incontinent, and depressed. I had no choice but to have him euthanized. It was a heart wrenching and agonizing decision. He was my shadow for the last 5yrs and I miss him terribly.

The girls were crushed about Dexter and loosing him so soon after loosing their Grandma. The Littlest Duckling still comes downstairs at night crying and saying she wishes Dexter was still with us.

On a positive note, we officially made it through our first week of homeschool! The first day was a tad rocky, but only for the first 20min and then it was smooth sailing. The Littlest was having a hard time with the changes (again, so much has happened in such a short time so I wasn't surprised), but with a little pep talk and an extra cuddle she was ready to go.

I found an awesome bible app and have been using it for my daily devotions! The app has different devotions that you can choose from ranging from 14dys to year long devtions. I've already finished several 14dy devotions, started a year long one, as well as started two other short ones. It's been great to be in His word and learn!

One night while praying for my Ducklings and their grieving hearts, I remember thinking how I'd give anything to be able to take their heartache away and bear it for them. Then it hit me, Jesus felt the same way about me when he chose to take on my sins and die on the cross! See, I've always struggled with understanding how God could love me despite my massive flaws, major screw ups, and sinful self. I am a *child* of God so, of course, His unconditional love would be a thousand times greater than the unconditional love I feel for my girls! It was such a small thing, but a major breakthrough for me. <3

I've done a little it of scrapbooking lately and really enjoyed it! I didn't realize how much I'd really missed being creative. I even made some DIY magazine holders for the Duckling and myself. I used the controversial USPS priority boxes and covered them with a kraft wrapping paper.

I finally made a small step towards the girls room. It's going to be fun (and interesting) to try and combine the First Ducklings love of lemur stripes (black and white) and blue with the Littlest Ducklings love of yellow, but I think I've figured it out! Black, white, grey, and yellow! The first thing we did was replace light and dark pink storage cubes for grey and yellow ones. Next up is fabric. Ikea has the best black and white stripe fabric! The stripes are bold and won't give you a headache. My plan is to use the B/W stripes as a valance and then have a yellow/grey main curtain... or maybe the stripes on top and yellow on the bottom, but one complete panel instead of a valance. After the curtains will be new bedding, accent pieces, and art work.

I think I've gotten a lot off my chest so I leave you with random iPhone photos!

More random-ness

What a whirlwind of emotions it's been this month... and it's not even over yet. I'm still so sad, but hurt like this doesn't just go away. Plus, I've been trying so hard to be strong for the Mister, the girls, and Pop (sFIL) there hasn't been much time for me to cry or grieve. I keep pushing my feelings aside because there's no time to cry. I have too much to do or there's someone around.

I have gotten most of my MILs clothes out of the house. I've had some help, but a lot of that stuff is going to be my job. I knew that would be the case though. The closet was hard on Pop, but I had E move his clothes in so that there wasn't a big empty side with empty hangers for Pop to look at every time he had to go in there. The bathroom was the next big project I tackled, Mom had a lot of hair products and other stuff. I ended up bringing Moms jewelry box home with me so I could organize things, but it hasn't gone back yet. Pop isn't ready. I'm not looking forward to tackling the craft/crap room, but I need too.

We are slowly ordering the girls school books and every time a box arrives the girls get super excited! That makes me feel good. RD said today that she didn't ever want to go back to "regular" school, but we will see if that opinion changes once we actually get started- LOL!

It's VBS week and the girls are having a blast so far. All of RDs teachers have separately come up and told me how much the enjoy her, what a kind heart she has, and how she befriended a girl who knows very little English and was ready to quit on Monday, but now has brought her out of her shell! Talk about making my Momma heart swell! <3 <3

Myself on the other hand, I was struggling this morning. It's really kind of dumb, but I'm human. Here's the thing, there are 3 ladies in the kitchen that are Grandmother age, me, and then 3 teenagers. Well, the older ladies were carrying on yesterday about how the teenage girls were so wonderful and blah blah blah. Not a word about the work I had done. Like I said, dumb, but I felt like my help was substantial and overlooked so I was hurt and mad. This morning I was determined to change my attitude so I prayed for a servants heart and for forgiveness for my attitude. At the end of the day, I did end up being complimented, but I now know the compliments were not necessary. God knew what I had done and He is really the only one who matters!

And on that note, a few pictures :0)

I'm ready...

I know life will never be the same, there will be a forever hole in my heart, and the pain of loosing my MIL will never completely go away. But even so, I'm ready for our new normal, for life to slow down again, and for all the emotionally hard work to be done.

My mother has been here since the day after my MILs passing. She has been a great help with the Ducklings. The Mister and I would not have managed quite as well had my mother not been here to help... but I'm ready for it to just be us again. To feel like its okay if I want to just sit on the couch with the TV off and not do a single thing (my mother likes to go places and do things, watch "family movies", or sappy love stories- bleech), to not have the TV blaring because she can't hear it, or not have to worry about another person.

My sFIL is doing okay. Of course he has good and bad days, moments when something reminds him of my MIL and emotions well up and spill out, and moments of normalcy. There are also a lot of times when I walk into a different room for a few minutes and upon returning be told, 'I'm glad you're back'. I know he considers me his daughter and loves me as such, but I'm confused as to why I bring him so much comfort (his words)? I would think the Mister or one of my BILs would be more comforting since the MIL physically birthed them?? Maybe it's because I'm a female? Or because I was so close to my MIL? Whatever the reason, I think my job has officially started... The Mister did all the hard stuff (physically helping his mom when she was unable too, taking charge of the family at the end, and practically making all the decisions after) and now it's my turn to help heal, pack things up, and clean (with the help of the Mister).

Well... I've blabbed on long enough. Enjoy the first picture in a long time! It's of my sFIL holding onto my hand even after he had called asleep on the couch from exhaustion. Hopefully next time I'll bring a little bit more up beat words.

Thanks for listening <3

Sad news and rambling

June 2, 2012 my MIL passed away at 5:41am... The Mister was there, holding her hand and talking to her. She had faced her battle with cancer courageously. She never stopped fighting and she never gave up hope.

Now, I don't talk about religion very often, but I am a firm believer in Jesus Christ. So, as a warning to any non-believers, this next paragraph will contain religious text...

I can't say that I even remotely know what God's plan for my life is, but what if it was His perfect timing for us to get to SATX because He knew the sFIL would need us so badly? Did I think we would have more time with my MIL? Yes! Did I think she would go on to Heaven so soon? No. Did I have any doubt that the sFIL would be unable to function after the MILs passing? Nope, I knew he would be in a bad bad place. So, yeah, what if all this was God's will? What if God knew that the Mister and I would be able to hold the family together? If so, I'm here God! Show me what to do!!

It's said that God doesn't give us more than we can handle. Geez, God must really believe in me because right now I'm not so sure!! So many memories are attached to her things and it makes it really hard to put those things in a box. Here's an example, my sister in law, C, was helping me box up the MILs hanging clothes today. Near the end, C came across the MILs leather jacket. So, I started telling C how the MIL waited for really good prices, how she and I had IM'd back and forth looking at the many different styles, and how much she loved the leather jacket she ended up choosing... Sigh.

Well, it's late and I'm exhausted. I'll come back soon with a long drawn-out eulogy. ;0)

Helpless

That is how I'm feeling today. The Mister has so much on his plate from trying to take care of his little family plus the additional emotional needs of the First Duckling, a demanding job where the new office is hoping he, alone, can fix the morale problem, help care for his Mom, give emotional support to his stepdad (and physical), and keep his brother updated on things while trying to gloss over the details to protect his brother who is in a different state. AND there seems to be nothing I can do for him.

Sure, I can be a good 50's wife and keep the house clean, his laundry done, and cook him a good dinner, but that just doesn't feel like enough. I can't heal his heart and he won't let me bear any of the burden.

So, yeah, I feel helpless right now.

I know I've said this before...

Cancer sucks! Plain and simple.

After being home from the hospital for just over a week, my MIL is back in the ER tonight. Possibly, maybe, probably pneumonia. Great, just what she needs now. Not! >:0(

This whole thing is weighing on everybody. The Mister has shut down emotionally, completely retreated to the far reaches of his cave ("Men are from Mars" anyone?), and even when he's just inches from me in bed it feels like there is an ocean between us... It's not just the Mister though because I've had my own issues lately (although I can partially blame PMS)! I was irrationally mad at the MIL for wanting a specific type of jello salad stuff that I'd never made, but then I felt horrid for even being mad! It was one of those cry in the shower times. Too make matters worse, when I told the Mister how I was feeling he looked at me like I was the most horrible person ever. Even used the line, "with all due respect" on me too! His hug was even awkward, not comforting at all.

Needless to say, it's been a tough first month back home. I hope and pray that the emotional ocean recedes and I can get my husband back.

Here's hoping next time I'll have something happy to talk about.