More random-ness

What a whirlwind of emotions it's been this month... and it's not even over yet. I'm still so sad, but hurt like this doesn't just go away. Plus, I've been trying so hard to be strong for the Mister, the girls, and Pop (sFIL) there hasn't been much time for me to cry or grieve. I keep pushing my feelings aside because there's no time to cry. I have too much to do or there's someone around.

I have gotten most of my MILs clothes out of the house. I've had some help, but a lot of that stuff is going to be my job. I knew that would be the case though. The closet was hard on Pop, but I had E move his clothes in so that there wasn't a big empty side with empty hangers for Pop to look at every time he had to go in there. The bathroom was the next big project I tackled, Mom had a lot of hair products and other stuff. I ended up bringing Moms jewelry box home with me so I could organize things, but it hasn't gone back yet. Pop isn't ready. I'm not looking forward to tackling the craft/crap room, but I need too.

We are slowly ordering the girls school books and every time a box arrives the girls get super excited! That makes me feel good. RD said today that she didn't ever want to go back to "regular" school, but we will see if that opinion changes once we actually get started- LOL!

It's VBS week and the girls are having a blast so far. All of RDs teachers have separately come up and told me how much the enjoy her, what a kind heart she has, and how she befriended a girl who knows very little English and was ready to quit on Monday, but now has brought her out of her shell! Talk about making my Momma heart swell! <3 <3

Myself on the other hand, I was struggling this morning. It's really kind of dumb, but I'm human. Here's the thing, there are 3 ladies in the kitchen that are Grandmother age, me, and then 3 teenagers. Well, the older ladies were carrying on yesterday about how the teenage girls were so wonderful and blah blah blah. Not a word about the work I had done. Like I said, dumb, but I felt like my help was substantial and overlooked so I was hurt and mad. This morning I was determined to change my attitude so I prayed for a servants heart and for forgiveness for my attitude. At the end of the day, I did end up being complimented, but I now know the compliments were not necessary. God knew what I had done and He is really the only one who matters!

And on that note, a few pictures :0)

I'm ready...

I know life will never be the same, there will be a forever hole in my heart, and the pain of loosing my MIL will never completely go away. But even so, I'm ready for our new normal, for life to slow down again, and for all the emotionally hard work to be done.

My mother has been here since the day after my MILs passing. She has been a great help with the Ducklings. The Mister and I would not have managed quite as well had my mother not been here to help... but I'm ready for it to just be us again. To feel like its okay if I want to just sit on the couch with the TV off and not do a single thing (my mother likes to go places and do things, watch "family movies", or sappy love stories- bleech), to not have the TV blaring because she can't hear it, or not have to worry about another person.

My sFIL is doing okay. Of course he has good and bad days, moments when something reminds him of my MIL and emotions well up and spill out, and moments of normalcy. There are also a lot of times when I walk into a different room for a few minutes and upon returning be told, 'I'm glad you're back'. I know he considers me his daughter and loves me as such, but I'm confused as to why I bring him so much comfort (his words)? I would think the Mister or one of my BILs would be more comforting since the MIL physically birthed them?? Maybe it's because I'm a female? Or because I was so close to my MIL? Whatever the reason, I think my job has officially started... The Mister did all the hard stuff (physically helping his mom when she was unable too, taking charge of the family at the end, and practically making all the decisions after) and now it's my turn to help heal, pack things up, and clean (with the help of the Mister).

Well... I've blabbed on long enough. Enjoy the first picture in a long time! It's of my sFIL holding onto my hand even after he had called asleep on the couch from exhaustion. Hopefully next time I'll bring a little bit more up beat words.

Thanks for listening <3

Sad news and rambling

June 2, 2012 my MIL passed away at 5:41am... The Mister was there, holding her hand and talking to her. She had faced her battle with cancer courageously. She never stopped fighting and she never gave up hope.

Now, I don't talk about religion very often, but I am a firm believer in Jesus Christ. So, as a warning to any non-believers, this next paragraph will contain religious text...

I can't say that I even remotely know what God's plan for my life is, but what if it was His perfect timing for us to get to SATX because He knew the sFIL would need us so badly? Did I think we would have more time with my MIL? Yes! Did I think she would go on to Heaven so soon? No. Did I have any doubt that the sFIL would be unable to function after the MILs passing? Nope, I knew he would be in a bad bad place. So, yeah, what if all this was God's will? What if God knew that the Mister and I would be able to hold the family together? If so, I'm here God! Show me what to do!!

It's said that God doesn't give us more than we can handle. Geez, God must really believe in me because right now I'm not so sure!! So many memories are attached to her things and it makes it really hard to put those things in a box. Here's an example, my sister in law, C, was helping me box up the MILs hanging clothes today. Near the end, C came across the MILs leather jacket. So, I started telling C how the MIL waited for really good prices, how she and I had IM'd back and forth looking at the many different styles, and how much she loved the leather jacket she ended up choosing... Sigh.

Well, it's late and I'm exhausted. I'll come back soon with a long drawn-out eulogy. ;0)